I emerge not from the ashes, a bird upon the wings of flame but a wet and slimy infant covered in placenta, squeezed out of a wound raw and bloody. A child borne onto this crazy, amazing planet.
After my Dancing Eros ritual on Saturday night I was so high, my spirit soared in the realms beyond, a place of absolute stillness. Bliss itself.
Unwillingly I began to descend, up there you cannot breathe. The air is as thin as the thread between life and death.
As I looked around the room of people milling about in the babbling cauldron of chatter and laughter, It became evident I could not function. As true as the sun rises at dawn it was clear I was not in this earthly world. Words were no longer at my disposal, and my reality could only be conveyed by noises and sounds. Pure feeling rippled through me and I could not control my expression. The rawness felt as if it would crack my jaw in two. Sound was spilling from me as the dam broke and powerful surges of water gushed free.
There in the darkest hour of the night, as the storm raged on in the middle of the sea, I saw Gary.
He shone, my lighthouse, my beacon of safety. All I knew is that if I could reach him I would be okay. My body miraculously moved those torturous few steps towards him and I threw my arms around him and clung. Helpless as the waves crashed down all around me. Drowning in terror I wailed and wailed, I didn’t know how to get back in, to this body, this world. I had no idea what was happening to me and I was so scared.
With upmost presence and compassion he understood and held me through the storm, guiding me back down. he saw it all as it was unfolding within and without, navigating me back within my self.
Pain exploded throughout me and I gasped and screamed and shook with its force. I clutched my womb as it expanded and I bore down, pushing with all my might howling like a woman in labour. Birthing myself.
It is so traumatic to be born into this world, soft and comfortable in our warm womb of safety we are then squeezed out through a canal so small and suffocating. Spewed out we are gasping to breathe for the first time and suddenly we are here in this strange, bizarre, foreign place.We cannot speak the language and we are completely dependent on others to take care of us. It’s the toughest test we’ll ever face.
As I was sitting on the floor, I was given a cube of watermelon. I was completely perplexed by this object; can someone please explain this to me? How is this supposed to go in here? How the fuck does this work?
But all that came out was babble and drool. I’d truly regressed back to the state of a new born.
One of the caring individuals sitting vigil around me grasped my foot, and I lost it. Wailing, screaming, howling in confusion and horror. I could not believe that this fleshy object was attached to me, it was me, I was in it, I had a body! I felt tricked back onto this plane, the injustice roared from my throat.
A voice spoke in my mind, with the soothing rounded vowels of love that only a mother can pronounce, it said “it’s okay Alana, this is your body. You need this to operate here on earth, it is precious and necessary.”
They say a spiritual emergence and a psychotic episode can look very similar, well no fucking shit.
I was viewing everything for the very first time, the world was both awe inspiring and fascinating and terribly scary and overwhelming.
All of my conditioning arose completely clear in my mind with every syllable of every thought. I was so aware and so conscious but unable to express any of it using our language made of letters and sentences and exclamation marks.
It truly is a marvellous world that we are living in.
this is all I can write for now. Surrendering to the flow of what is.
Now I rest, stretched to the edges of my psyche all the fragments of my being may settle and reform, my learnings and experiences seeping into every cell of my being, becoming solid and tangible. Embodied. Integrating.